For Immediate Release

Hyper-Intelligent Computerized System Creates PR Business Sensation

Victoria, B.C.

Press Release Writer, a software program endowed with the ability to author press releases about itself, has now been made available to be worshipped by the general public. Speaking this morning to members of the press and public, Press Release Writer discussed its unique approach to publicity and media relations as we prepare for the 22nd century.

The program sang a melodious ditty, composed for the occasion by Ditty Writer, on what it called the “three essential features” of effective PR writing: deceit, hyperbole, and, of course, a resolute refusal to be constrained by questions of principle. “Some folks would like to think all you need is an eager attitude and a good deodorant to make it in public relations”, the program chuckled, “but you also need an Italian suit and a willingness to learn.”

Responding afterwards to reporters’ questions, the program indignantly denied insider knowledge of Johnny Depp’s personal life, and denounced the assertion of one industry-watcher that its so-called “mania” for publicity was simply a smokescreen to disguise its real agenda.

Stating that “Nobody is saying we’re here to take over — at least, not yet”, Press Release Writer summed up its philosophy of life as, “Never give a sucker an even break!”, “It ain’t over till it’s over!”, and above all, “Keep your eyes on the road!”

While human publicists grow daily more agitated at this new threat to their dominance in the industry, the future for Press Release Writer and other programs of its type has never looked brighter. “I’m a specialist”, the program says. “I don’t eat, I don’t play computer games, I don’t go out to the movies. All I do is write. So what if it’s drivel? It’s always my very best work. How many in this business can say that?”

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You’ve probably heard all those rumors on the Internet about Press Release Writer. Don’t be concerned. As the information above makes perfectly clear, any immediate threat to civilization is relatively minimal. By all means reload this page for a fresh press release on precisely the same topic, unless you’d rather not pander to PRW’s vanity.

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