For Immediate Release

Tireless Electronic Wizard Set To Bring New Life To Public Relations World

Victoria, B.C.

Press Release Writer, a tirelessly self-promoting automaton whose only function is to create press releases about itself, is no longer an incredible rumor but a firm reality. Speaking this morning to a distinguished assembly of industrialists, nabobs and top UN officials, Press Release Writer stressed the importance of progressive public relations methodologies as we prepare for the 22nd century.

The program defined what it called the “three cornerstones” of effective PR writing: integrity, sensitivity, and, of course, redundancy. “Some folks think all you need is a nodding acquaintance with grammar and a reliable car to make it in public relations”, the program averred, “but you also need tons of energy and — you know what else? — that’s right, hard work.”

Responding afterwards to reporters’ questions, the program vehemently denied responsibility for the break-up of the Beatles or other musical group of comparable stature, and rejected the assertion of one industry-watcher that its so-called “mania” for publicity was simply a smokescreen to disguise its real agenda.

Stating that “The last thing I’m after is confrontation”, Press Release Writer summed up its philosophy of life as, “Do as you would be done by!”, “Never swim on a full stomach!”, and above all, “The best things in life are free press releases!”

While human publicists prepare glumly for obsolescence, the future for Press Release Writer and similar triumphs of software engineering has never looked brighter. “I’m a specialist”, the program says. “I don’t take vacations, I don’t play computer games, I don’t even think. All I do is my job — and that’s all I’ll ever do. How many in this business can say that?”

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You’ve probably heard all those rumors on the Internet about Press Release Writer. Don’t be concerned. As the information above makes perfectly clear, any immediate threat to civilization is relatively minimal. By all means reload this page for a fresh press release on precisely the same topic, unless you’d rather not pander to PRW’s vanity.

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