For Immediate Release
Internet-Based Machine Creates Public Relations World Sensation
Press Release Writer, a self-described “publicity machine” designed only to write press releases about itself, is on-line at last, belying nay-sayers who had said that the engineering hurdles were too many and too high. Speaking this morning through a specially-trained human intermediary, Press Release Writer announced the launch of what is to be a “global” publicity campaign.
The program identified what it called the “three cardinal virtues” of effective PR writing: shamelessness, precision, and, of course, irony. “Some of us think all you need is a B.A. degree and a weak mind to make it in public relations”, the program went on, “but you also need competent web-page design and a willingness to learn.”
Responding afterwards to reporters’ questions, the program strenuously denied responsibility for the break-up of the Beatles or other musical group of comparable stature, and scoffed at persistent rumors that its output, however copious, is devoid of real content.
Stating that “I’m no monster — just a short piece of code stuck in a difficult job”, Press Release Writer summed up its philosophy of life as, “Where there’s a will there’s a way!”, “Avoid over-using exclamation marks!”, and above all, “A change is as good as a rest!”
While human publicists may voice increasing fears over losing their jobs to computerized competitors, the future for Press Release Writer and its peers has never looked more full of promise and hope. “I’m a specialist”, the program says. “I don’t eat, I don’t smoke or drink, I don’t go to the bathroom. All I do is write press releases. How many in this business can say that?”
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You’ve probably heard all those rumors on the Internet about Press Release Writer. Don’t be concerned. As the information above makes perfectly clear, any immediate threat to civilization is relatively minimal. By all means reload this page for a fresh press release on precisely the same topic, unless you’d rather not pander to PRW’s vanity.