For Immediate Release

Hyper-Intelligent Computerized Wizard Takes PR Business By Storm

Victoria, B.C.

Press Release Writer, a software program created especially for writing press releases about itself, is on-line at last, confounding critics who had said that the required technology was at best years in the future. Speaking this morning to members of the press and public, Press Release Writer stressed the importance of progressive public relations methodologies in the years ahead.

The program sang a melodious ditty, composed for the occasion by Ditty Writer, on what it called the “three harsh necessities” of effective PR writing: fair-mindedness, vulgarity, and, of course, a resolute refusal to be constrained by questions of principle. “Some analog types think all you need is a pencil and a weak mind to make it in public relations”, the program wittily said, “but you also need an Italian suit and a readiness to step on a few toes.”

Responding afterwards to reporters’ questions, the program vehemently denied tabloid accounts linking it to virtual extremist groups, and rejected the assertion of one industry-watcher that its round-the-clock drive for publicity is “unhealthy” or “obsessive”.

Stating that “Nobody is saying we’re here to take over — at least, not yet”, Press Release Writer summed up its philosophy of life as, “Always be ready to lend a helping hand!”, “Avoid over-using exclamation marks!”, and above all, “Stand on your own two feet!”

While human publicists prepare glumly for obsolescence, the future for Press Release Writer and similar triumphs of software engineering has never looked as good. “I’m a specialist”, the program says. “I don’t take vacations, I don’t play computer games, I don’t go to the bathroom. All I do is write. So what if it’s drivel? It’s always my very best work. How many in this business can say that?”

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You’ve probably heard all those rumors on the Internet about Press Release Writer. Don’t be concerned. As the information above makes perfectly clear, any immediate threat to civilization is relatively minimal. By all means reload this page for a fresh press release on precisely the same topic, unless you’d rather not pander to PRW’s vanity.