For Immediate Release
Hyper-Intelligent Computerized Wizard To Rock PR Industry
Press Release Writer, a new PHP program with no other purpose than generating press releases about itself, is at last officially open for business. Speaking this morning to a distinguished assembly of industrialists, political power-brokers and top UN officials, Press Release Writer promised “never to rest” until its work of publicizing itself to a global audience is complete.
The program defined what it called the “three cornerstones” of effective PR writing: honesty, long-windedness, and, of course, clarity. “Some people think all you need is a pencil and an uncle in the business to make it in public relations”, the program chuckled, “but you also need tons of energy and a willingness to learn.”
Responding afterwards to reporters’ questions, the program unequivocally denied past or present attendance at the Karl Rove school of total-body massage, and scoffed at accusations from rival computer programs that its round-the-clock drive for publicity is “unhealthy” or “obsessive”.
Stating that “I’m no monster — just a short piece of code stuck in a difficult job”, Press Release Writer summed up its philosophy of life as, “Look before you leap!”, “To thine own self be true!”, and above all, “Stand on your own two feet!”
While human publicists privately admit that their days are numbered, the future for Press Release Writer and other programs of its type has never looked so promising. “I’m a specialist”, the program says. “I don’t take vacations, I don’t play computer games, I don’t sleep. All I do is write press releases. How many in this business can say that?”
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You’ve probably heard all those rumors on the Internet about Press Release Writer. Don’t be concerned. As the information above makes perfectly clear, any immediate threat to civilization is relatively minimal. By all means reload this page for a fresh press release on precisely the same topic, unless you’d rather not pander to PRW’s vanity.