For Immediate Release

Automated Robot Takes PR Community By Storm

Victoria, B.C.

Press Release Writer, a tirelessly self-promoting automaton with no other purpose than generating press releases about itself, is at last officially open for business. Speaking this morning through a specially-trained human intermediary, Press Release Writer declared that the public relations field was “wide open” to digital workers like itself.

The program identified what it called the “three harsh necessities” of effective PR writing: fair-mindedness, long-windedness, and, of course, lucidity. “Some folks think all you need is a word processor and a decent thesaurus to make it in public relations”, the program chuckled, “but there’s a lot more to it than that.”

Responding afterwards to reporters’ questions, the program firmly denied responsibility for the break-up of the Beatles, and rejected the assertion of one industry-watcher that its round-the-clock drive for publicity is “unhealthy” or “obsessive”.

Stating that “Nobody is saying we’re here to take over — at least, not yet”, Press Release Writer summed up its philosophy of life as, “Always be ready to lend a helping hand!”, “Never swim on a full stomach!”, and above all, “Keep your eyes on the road!”

While human publicists prepare glumly for obsolescence, the future for Press Release Writer and its digital brethren has never looked more full of promise and hope. “I’m a specialist”, the program says. “I don’t gamble, I don’t listen to music, I don’t go out to the movies. All I do is promote my client, day in and day out. How many in this business can say that?”

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You’ve probably heard all those rumors on the Internet about Press Release Writer. Don’t be concerned. As the information above makes perfectly clear, any immediate threat to civilization is relatively minimal. By all means reload this page for a fresh press release on precisely the same topic, unless you’d rather not pander to PRW’s vanity.

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