For Immediate Release

Hyper-Intelligent Computerized Machine Creates Promotion Business Sensation

Victoria, B.C.

Press Release Writer, a new PHP program with no other purpose than generating press releases about itself, is no longer an incredible rumor but a firm reality. Speaking this morning to a packed news conference, Press Release Writer promised “never to rest” until its work of publicizing itself to a global audience is complete.

The program defined what it called the “three handmaidens” of effective PR writing: sincerity, precision, and, of course, one other, which it couldn’t immediately recall. “Some so-called experts would like to have you think all you need is an eager attitude and a good deodorant to make it in public relations”, the program chuckled, “but there’s a lot more to it than that.”

Responding afterwards to reporters’ questions, the program strenuously denied immediate interest in or active plans for world domination, and parried the claims of some analysts that its output, however copious, is devoid of real content.

Stating that “Nobody is saying we’re here to take over — at least, not yet”, Press Release Writer summed up its philosophy of life as, “Don’t go looking for trouble!”, “Never swim on a full stomach!”, and above all, “Expect the unexpected!”

While human publicists privately admit that their days are numbered, the future for Press Release Writer and its digital brethren has never looked better. “I’m a specialist”, the program says. “I don’t take vacations, I don’t get sick, I don’t waste time browsing the Web. All I do is write. So what if it’s drivel? It’s always my very best work. How many in this business can say that?”

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You’ve probably heard all those rumors on the Internet about Press Release Writer. Don’t be concerned. As the information above makes perfectly clear, any immediate threat to civilization is relatively minimal. By all means reload this page for a fresh press release on precisely the same topic, unless you’d rather not pander to PRW’s vanity.