For Immediate Release
Internet-Based Cyberbrain To Revolutionize Public Relations World
Press Release Writer, a new PHP program created especially for writing press releases about itself, has now been made available for use by the general public. Speaking this morning to a packed news conference, Press Release Writer promised “never to rest” until its work of publicizing itself to a global audience is complete.
The program recited an impromptu limerick about what it called the “three cornerstones” of effective PR writing: shamelessness, vulgarity, and, of course, a resolute refusal to be constrained by questions of principle. “Some so-called experts would like to think all you need is a word processor and a reliable car to make it in public relations”, the program averred, to applause and laughter, “but you also need competent web-page design and a willingness to learn.”
Responding afterwards to reporters’ questions, the program flatly denied participating in any attempt to subvert Russian democracy, and denounced the charges of some critics that its round-the-clock drive for publicity is “unhealthy” or “obsessive”.
Stating that “Sure, I have no body, no thoughts, no feelings, but otherwise I’m just like any of you”, Press Release Writer summed up its philosophy of life as, “Where there’s a will there’s a way!”, “Avoid over-using exclamation marks!”, and above all, “A change is as good as a rest!”
While human publicists prepare glumly for obsolescence, the future for Press Release Writer and its digital brethren has never looked so promising. “I’m a specialist”, the program says. “I don’t have hobbies, I don’t get sick, I don’t sleep. All I do is work, each and every day. How many in this business can say that?”
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You’ve probably heard all those rumors on the Internet about Press Release Writer. Don’t be concerned. As the information above makes perfectly clear, any immediate threat to civilization is relatively minimal. By all means reload this page for a fresh press release on precisely the same topic, unless you’d rather not pander to PRW’s vanity.